I’m sorry I’m late.
After nearly nine months, I missed my deadline to publish on Tuesday. I confess I’m a bit discombobulated these days.
For a word essayist, I think I get bonus points for “discombobulated.”
I spent this past weekend in Tennessee where, for 15 hours, I trained for my black belt test. In June, I’ll cap 30 years of martial arts with my 8th degree exam, a five-day experience where I not only have to demonstrate proficiency with the curriculum, but also cope with minimal sleep and food, display master-level teamwork with other senior leaders, and contend with whatever physical challenges my grandmaster throws our way.
My training partner and I worked with a senior black belt instructor who came out from our Association headquarters in California. He gave us directions—lots of them. It’s amazing what a two-inch alteration can do to improve a technique. Oh! You mean keep my knee here for the double X guard? Now it makes sense….
Hearing clear directions made all the difference. It ensured we learned the techniques properly so we could, if not master them, become proficient.
Giving those directions wasn’t easy, either. Our instructor was the lowest-ranked black belt among the four of us. He’s testing for his 7th degree, my training partner and I for our 8th, and her husband for his 10th. Directing someone who outranks you requires a special set of skills: humility and confidence. We were fortunate to have an instructor who excels in both—and just happens to be an incredibly talented martial artist and teacher.
I’m also taking directions in a completely different activity. As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, mi novio and I began taking salsa lessons. For this alpha female, it’s not easy to simply follow my leader. As I learn the steps, I tend to move where I know (think?) I’m supposed to go. Our instructor has to remind me every week to let my partner lead. “Don’t get ahead of him,” he scolds me. “You’re learning the series now, but when you are dancing, it is the man who leads and decides where to go and what steps to do!”
When I watch him and his wife dance and see how beautiful it can be, I oddly remember my last black belt test.
A group of eight of us carried a 400-pound log through the streets of San Francisco for 10 miles. All eight of us were master instructors—but we couldn’t all lead. It was only by subordinating leadership and listening to directions that we succeeded. It may have felt like brute strength, but it was a dance.
There’s more direction giving in my world these days.
We adopted a rescue puppy who is now four months old. Joe is smart, loving, and all puppy rambunctiousness. He has every chew toy known to man, but he would much rather grab dirty napkins out of the trashcan or nip at Pepper, a 13-year-old who most definitely does not want to play. (I’m pretty sure she wakes up each morning, looks at him, and thinks, “Dear God…is he still here?”) My days are punctuated with giving directions followed by snuggles and treats when he listens. I’m keenly aware of the difference in not only the words, but the tone.
Words truly do matter. So does tone and intent. In each of these stories, the intent of the words is to make the listener better. My martial arts instructor didn’t berate me or talk down to me when I couldn’t master the omoplata. My salsa instructor just wants me to be relaxed and enjoy the beauty of the movements. And I want Joe to be a happy member of the family.
It makes me wonder about my intent with other words. How do I appear to my colleagues, my family, my friends, my neighbors? What is the tone I strike with strangers? If I intend to convey information, express love, or pursue learning, do my words and tone demonstrate those intentions?
Directions are tricky. They can be loving or harsh. They can be unclear or precise. When it comes to words, giving directions is a fine art. I’m continuing to ponder and refine my skills in this area.
And while I learn to follow my salsa partner and tap someone out with a shoulder lock, I’ll keep Joe out of the trash.
Hi Cindy, I really enjoyed this post today and has me thinking and stepping back a bit (which is good!) Thank you.
From salsa to black belts to chew toys - and directions everywhere!